Misogyny in the Scene

I was reading a piece recently about Domism and Sexism in the Scene.  It talks about how the research out there shows the pansexual scene being predominately heterosexual male dominants, and their heterosexual, heteroflexible, or bisexual submissive females.  Sure there’s female tops, male bottoms, and lesbians and gays, but they’re marginal in the BDSM Scene.  By BDSM Scene, I’ll use a similar terminology to the linked blog: the social spaces for public BDSM in cities around the country/world.  I’m talking about things like munches, coffees, play spaces, play parties, and other various groups meant to facilitate the gathering and socializing of BDSM-minded individuals.  This pansexual scene is rife with domism and sexism, which overlap and intersect into one mess of misogyny.

I’ll not go into the long list of examples the above blog had, and rather sum it up nicely.  Domism is the structure in the scene that privledges dominants and devalues submissives outside a negotiated relationship.  It’s the things like making jokes at a submissive’s expense, or trying to force submissives into a submissive role outside the bounds of their consensually negotiated power exchange.  Or even just trying to force submissives into submissive behavior regardless of the situation or circumstances.  It’s the attitude that expects the tops to lead and speak in any situation, and expects the bottoms to stay silent and “in their place.”  It even extends so far as to how we type online, often capitalizing the noun dominant, while keeping the noun submissive lowercase.   It’s toxic, and it’s unethical.  It devalues the individuality and the person-hood of the submissive.  It’s just not right, but I’m as guilty as the next person of falling into the trap.

Domism couples with sexism.  Maybe it’s because the demographics of the Scene is predominately male dominants, and female submissives, or maybe it’s because we come from a sexist society, but sexism prevails in the BDSM Scene.  Every woman who walks into the scene is seen as a submissive, whether she is or not.  If she’s not, she has to prove it, yet will never be seen as equal to the dominant males in the Scene.  In some cases, people in the scene find it impossible to see woman as anything other than submissive, and think they’ll all end up under someone someday.  Nor do they tolerate male submissives or bottoms.  The blog goes on to theorize that this is because it breaches the gender-normative assumptions in the scene.  It also goes to the thought that bottoms are somehow broken.  There’s a reason submissives are submissive, past abuse, too fat, something that leads them to accepting their role.

In the end, both together seem to lead to a predominant feeling of misogyny in the scene.  Dominance is equated to masculinity,  and anything that doesn’t conform to that ideal is somehow wrong and looked down upon.  It’s why male bottoms aren’t tolerated, it breaches the ideal of masculinity being dominance.  Female dominants, unless complete butches (and thus exhibiting masculinity), aren’t seen as the equal of male dominants.  This leads to further competition, seeing who’s the most domly, the most masculine.  It’s a toxic attitude in the scene and goes against the idea that we rebel from society.  Unlike sexual orientation which is considered fixed (you are what you are, whether that be bi, gay, or straight), research and anecdotes show our role in BDSM is not fixed, and shifts with time.  While someone may at one point identify as a submissive, they often will slowly shift roles over time and become a dominant.  The same goes for dominants who can get past the misogyny and domism in the scene.  Because the moment a dominant steps in to bottom for a scene, the suddenly lose their social standing in the BDSM Scene.

So what can we do to change this?  Treat all people as equals, unless they’ve consensually negotiated to be under you.  Treat women who enter the scene as people, not as fresh meat to play with.  Use proper grammar online when using the terms “dominant” and “submissive”.  Don’t make jokes at a submissive’s expense, or have expectations that a submissive act as anything but an equal in a social environment.  Accept and celebrate our diversity.  Take the time to befriend those who don’t meet the socio-normative gender/role classes.  Befriend that trans person that walked in, or that gay submissive male.  Make them feel welcome and wanted in the Scene.  Don’t treat bottoms as broken, instead treat them as whole individuals.  Together we can break this hold domism, sexism, and misogyny holds over our Scene.  Together we can make the Scene a better place.

Trusting a New Master

I was reading another thread [requires FetLife login]  (since this writing the original poster removed his initial post.  A copy of his text can be found here [requires FetLife login]) in the Masters and slaves group on FetLife.  This one is about a guy who wants to enter into a “true” enslavement.  He was going to go on a trip without any IDs, credit cards, phones, or cash, and arrive at a distant train station.  At this distant train  station, he was to enter the back seat of the car, shackle up, blindfold and gag himself, and wait to be taken to the home of his enslavement.  He was to be kept locked up, raped regularly, and used without limits or safewords.  And all this was supposed to be done during a 4-day “trial” period with a Master he’s never met.

First off, this is a really hot fantasy.  So hot, I’ve even written a story [requires FetLife login] about it.  It’s a fantasy I’d love to play out on some level some day.  But for anyone who’s been around or has had any common sense, they’d see the danger in it.

Slavery requires trust.  You can place your trust in things and people who haven’t earned it, but it still requires trust.  Most of us wait till someone’s earned their trust before they give it.  And earning trust takes time…a lot more time than a couple months of online conversation.  Before you’ve experienced and watched the person for a period of time, you do not know if they are honorable or act with integrity.  You do not know if they’ll keep their word, or if they’ll respect unspoken limits.  You don’t know if they’re the type of person to practice home amputation if they think they can get away with it, or decide to keep you past your trial period without consent.  You don’t know if they’ll sell you to a South African slaver, who will beat you to entice you to work harder, and work you 18 hours a day in a dirty diamond mine.  You don’t know if he’ll care that you get sick and are sitting on your death bed.  You don’t know if he values you as a person, or if he even values your choice to slavery.  You just don’t have the breadth of knowledge and experience with him to know these things.

So to place trust in someone who hasn’t yet earned that trust in these things is a huge leap and risk.  It may turn out well, and he may be a perfectly honorable, reasonable person who values the submission and slavery given to them.  Or they may be a crazy serial killer, looking for prey who they can slaughter without being connected to the person.  In my eyes, once you made that decision for slavery, there is no turning back.  Especially in a situation where the intent it to keep you confined and away from society, locked in a room that you cannot escape.  Once you enter into that situation, you better be committed to staying in it, because you might not have a choice.

There’s ways to make that trust develop.  Meet in public, and get a feel for the person.  Let people know where you’re going.  Make sure there’s accountability built into the situation, so the Master knows he’s not got someone he can get rid of and no one will notice.  Don’t let yourself be secluded and isolated from community, friends, and family.  Make sure you have a way out of the situation if it’s not working out.  A slave always has the choice to terminate their relationship, ending their enslavement.  It’s really hot to think of situations where these things aren’t the case.  And the desire can be alluring, and it’s perfectly reasonable to break these guidelines in certain circumstances…but those circumstances aren’t the start of a relationship with a stranger.  They’re between established partners, where trust and respect exist, and is a mutual, two-way street.

Make sure you’ve placed your trust properly, or it may come back to bite you.

Master/slave, Limits, and Safewords

I got to reading a post [requires Fetlife login] on the Masters and slaves [requires Fetlife login] group on Fetlife, that made me want to comment.  It was a day old, so all the usual posters in the group had already gotten to it.  And reading the responses, I noticed several were of similar mind to my own.  However, I like sharing my opinion, and I’m going to write my response anyways.

First off, a little disclaimer.  I realize everyone’s relationship is different, and I have no say in how you define or construct your relationship, and neither does anyone else but you and your partner.  However, I have my opinion of what things mean, and unless people tell me differently I’m going to use my definitions when people use these terms.

Now onto the meat of the post.  There’s very little, in my mind, that separates a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship from a Master/slave (M/s) relationship.  Two of the major differences concern limits and safewords.  Limits are things that a top or bottom cannot do and maintain their physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual health, or things they will not do in the confines of the current relationship.  Safewords are communication tools that allow a top to know something’s going sideways in a scene.

Before I continue, once again I’ll state that the following represents MY view on things, and is not to be construed to be “The Way” things are, or how “they” say it should be.  They’re just my personal views.

So one of the major differences between an D/s and an M/s relationship concerns limits.  The basic choices a bottom-type has when it concerns their submission totals three:  who to submit to, how far to submit, and when to leave.  The second of these choices concerns limits.  In a D/s relationship, a submissive often confines their submission by use of limits.  There’s a list of things she cannot and will not do (and if attempted, the consequence is the end of the relationship, if the submissive has any smarts at all), that the submissive expects the Dominant party to agree to and respect before the submissive concedes to the relationship.  In a M/s relationship, there are no limits.  That’s not to say the slave”s limits mysteriously vanish in a M/s relationship.  By saying there’s no limits, I mean that the slave has no limits they foist upon their Master to respect in order to maintain/continue the relationship.

That’s not to say, however, that a Master should breach the limitations of their slave just because they have the power to do so.  No, the Master should know what will break their slave, and knows to stay away from those things less they have to do the responsible thing of putting a slave back together after breaking them.  Sometimes the Master may do this as a growth exercise, and that’s fine…but constantly breaking a slave just because is a lot of work, and few, if any, Masters who are worth their salt engage in this behavior.

The second major difference concerns safewords.  Or more importantly, what the safeword means.  In a D/s dynamic, a submissive may withdraw their consent at any time.  A safeword can have any meaning the most extreme ranging from “Something’s up, check in with me now,” to “I withdraw my consent, let me go or you’re raping me!”  While legally and ethically the slave has the same ability to withdraw consent at any time, they agreed to a dynamic.  In that dynamic they agreed to, they consented to any activity their Master wishes.  To me, withdrawing their consent mid-activity shows poor character.  There may be times when it’s justified, for example when they find out their Master is really an ax murderer, but realistically they should have chosen wisely enough that withdrawing consent mid-activity is just showing a lack of honor about their commitment to their word and fulfillment of their agreements.  In my eyes, it shows a lack of integrity…almost nothing is so bad that it can’t be endured and if it really was that bad, the slave should choose to end the dynamic after the activity takes place.  If a slave DOES have a safeword, it means something along the lines of “something’s going sideways, please check in with me.”  It’s a request.  It’s giving the Master information which to work with, where they’re left with the decision of what to do about it.  The Master can acquiesce to the request, or ignore it.

If a Master were to accept and agree to respecting a list of limits prior to engaging an M/s relationship, in my eyes it nullifies the M/s relationship…but let’s say it doesn’t and they do call it an M/s relationship.  The Master should respect those limits for the relationship, unless the slave relinquishes an item on that list.  To not do so would be dishonorable.  It would show a lack of integrity and character.  It would make the Master a liar.  To breach these limits purposefully because the Master has the power to in a M/s dynamic would be a bait and switch.  It breaches the trust between the Master and slave.  None of these consequences are worth the power high to a good Master.

So I’ve explained a few of the differences between Dominant and submissive relationships, compared to Master and slave relationships.  Submissives can limit their submission by use of limits in a D/s relationship, whereas a slave doesn’t necessitate them being respected by their Master to engage and continue in the relationship.  Also, submissives could have safewords that terminate the power exchange dynamic in a D/s relationship, where a slaves’s safewords are merely requests that give the Master information about their present state.

As we can see, a M/s dynamic is a pretty deep and scary place, where the slave has “no way out” unless their Master chooses to give them one.  It’s not something to be entered in lightly.  If entered into rashly, the consequences can be severe.   In my eyes, most people engage in D/s dynamics.  They may be D/s dynamics with few boundaries, but they’re still D/s relationships.  Few are capable of engaging in a M/s dynamic, and following through with that commitment.  And for that reason, it will remain an elusive beast, sought after by many but caught by so few.

Sometimes People Need to Know

I was reading a post today about how so many people feel the need to tell everyone about their involvement in kink (though the same goes for Poly, Swinging, or any other lifestyle choice).  Lizzi6692, the author of this piece [link censored by WordPress, link in comments], didn’t seem to understand why people needed to tell others.  Her general advice was “if they don’t ask, you shouldn’t tell.”  She did provide a disclaimer that there’s an exception when it comes to health care workers, and that’s a good thing (because you should be able to be open about all facets of your life with your therapists and doctors), but I don’t think she gets the point.

To Lizzi, BDSM seems to be something you do, not something you are.  If BDSM is only something you do, then her advice fits nicely.  But for so many of us, BDSM, Poly, Swinging, or whatever it is, is WHO WE ARE.  And there is something very liberating and freeing about being open and honest about who we are to those we care about, and those that can affect our lives.  Ask any homosexual who’s come out of the closet.

For example, BDSM may be who we are.  With this being such a large part of our lives, we may attend several kinky events a month.  People who are close to us might wonder what we’re so busy doing, why we’re unavailable so much of the time…or our whole social circle (outside work) may be the Kink scene.  These are hard things to keep to ourselves, especially when we live with or close to our relatives.  Or it may be difficult to keep from the close work friends who want to go out with us all the time.  It just makes sense to open up about who we are, and let those around us know what’s going on.

Another example, say we’re polyamorous.  At some point, it becomes difficult to explain why we’re with a different partner whenever we are seen out.  You can stay silent and face the rumors (you’re a cheating asshole, you’re a player, you’re a pimp, whatever), or you can open up and be honest about who you are.  There’s family events that you may want to bring all your partners to.  Work events you split between your partners.  One shouldn’t have to conform to fit in to the molds society thinks we should fit into.  By being open, by coming out, we can be honest with who we are, and living open is a great thing.

Now I’m not saying we need to share all the details.  Nor am I saying that it’s everyone’s business.  There’s no reason to go into graphic detail on how you play, go into a blow by blow account of your scene the previous weekend, or engage in a full sexual scene in front of others.  Nor am I saying we should have sexual encounters with all our partners while out in the open.  There is a level of decorum to keep…but living open is living free.

So you want to come out?  Wondering how?  Here’s a few hints:

1. Don’t act like it’s something weird or abnormal, or a big deal.  People will take their cues of how to react by how you bring the topic up, and express it.  If you act like it’s something completely normal, people are more likely to react like it’s something completely normal.
2. Take it easy.  You don’t need to go into all the details.  Explain your relationship style is a power exchange dynamic, and that you prefer to give up/take control of your life in a loving relationship with someone you trust.  Explain you have this relationship with your partner and if something seems odd, it’s probably part you fulfilling your role in the relationship and it’s completely acceptable to you.  Or explain that you believe in the ability to have multiple loving romantic relationships at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all those involved.  Explain you’re currently dating/partners with A and B, and everyone knows about it and everyone’s happy with the situation.  There’s no need to go into details about what types of S&M you like, or graphic details of your protocols and rituals.  There’s no need to explain that you all sleep in the same bed and have sex together and it’s always hot threesome times for you.  Be smart about how much you share, and be willing to share gradually.  People can handle lots of little shocks better than one big one.
3. Be willing to accept rejection and judgement.  It may happen.  Coming out doesn’t always go well, and you may face bad consequences from doing so.  Be willing to face those consequences  and realize/believe coming out is worth the risk of facing that pain.
4. Decide how far you need to come out, and to whom.  You may not need to tell everyone.  Maybe you only need to come out to the coworker that sees you out with multiple partners, and not tell the whole workplace (though they may all find out through your single coworker gossiping, once you let the cat out of the bag, you can’t control where it goes).  Maybe you need to tell your parents but not your siblings.  Only you can judge what’s appropriate for you and your life.
5. Come out about part of your life, but not all of it.  Maybe it’s commonly acceptable in your social circles or area to be bisexual, but it’s not to be polyamorous.  In such cases, it’s much easier to come out about being bisexual, but selectively come out about being polyamorous.  Perhaps this situation fits you.
6. You don’t necessarily need to come out to everyone at the same time.  Perhaps one of your parents is more approachable or open-minded than the other.  Perhaps one of your coworkers drops hints that they’re into or open to the same thing.  Once you let the cat out of the bag, you can’t control where the person you tell spreads it…but sometimes coming out selectively helps, and can gain you allies for coming out to the next person.

I hope this helps you.  Maybe you agree with Lizzi, and don’t feel you need to come out.  That’s fine.  Just don’t judge those of us who need to, for whatever reason.

Raising Children While in “The Lifestyle”

First let me state that right now, I’m not a parent. I’ve thought about it a lot, and how I’d raise kids and whether I even want to raise them, but for the moment I don’t have to face those choices; I have the luxury of armchair quarterbacking. Still, I’ve thought about it a lot, and I’ve been around kids (nieces and nephews) and so I do have some experience caring for kids. And I thought I’d share some of my views of living with and raising kids while involved in “The Lifestyle,” whether that be BDSM, Swinging, Polyamory, or whatever other “adult” topics you might be concerned with. This Discussion [requires FetLife login] is what got me started thinking about this topic, so you might want to read it as a starting point.

First let me state that I don’t like the idea of lying to a child. Even “innocent” white lies “for their protection.” I think anything can be explained honestly in an age appropriate manner…even adult topics. The kid gets into your kinky book collection you keep stashed away in your room (because I know as a kid I knew where everything my mom tried to keep hidden was…all her sex toys, her sexy lingerie, everything), and sees “S&M 101” printed across one of the books, and later comes and asks you “What’s S&M 101 mean?” You could make up a white lie, “for their protection,” but I don’t believe that’s the right thing. One day they’ll know the truth and they’ll remember believing a lie because you told it to them. It will hurt the future trust you have with your child. You could blow it off as “a boring adult thing” and make it seem non-interesting, but the child will learn there’s some topics mommy and daddy won’t talk about, and it hurts your approachability. Or you could tell them what the initials stand for. You could explain what the words mean, if they ask further. They’ll know you’ll always give them an honest answer. They’ll know they can come to you and ask anything, and they’ll get an answer. You don’t have to go into explicit detail, it could be as simple as “that stands for Sadism and Masochism. Sadism means gaining enjoyment from hurting and causing pain to other people, and masochism means gaining enjoyment from being hurt or in pain.” Honest answer, no adult details, and you’ve just expanded their vocabulary. All pluses in my book.

I remember back when I lived with my nephew, I kept some canes I was working on behind the door to my bedroom. My nephew rarely came far into my bedroom, so it was a fairly safe place to keep them. One day he came into my room, went behind my door, and grabbed the canes and started to play with them. I looked over and noticed, and the first words that (reflexively) came out of my mouth were “no Jason! Those aren’t toys!” I immediately felt bad for lying to my nephew, but it wasn’t my place to tell him what adult toys were…and I didn’t think to add the qualifier “for you” to them. Would it have hurt to let him keep playing with them? They’re just wooden sticks to him, and it wouldn’t have hurt his innocence. Might embarrass some of the adults in the house, but that’s because they knew what they were. No harm would have come to my nephew if I let him run around the house wielding my canes, but I took them from him because of adult proprietaries. Thinking back I don’t like what I did, but I know my brother would have thrown a fit if I let my nephew keep them.

I think there’s a way to maintain living the lifestyle while with kids. Things like nudity. Nudity isn’t inherently wrong. Children raised in naturalist and nudist households grow up just fine, and in some cases, better than children who don’t. They learn to accept and be comfortable with their own body. All the kids need to know is that their parents feel more comfortable wearing nothing, but society frowns on doing it outside your house or other facilities that support nudity. You can maintain some protocols in front of children. There’s nothing adult or improper about sitting at someone’s feet, for example. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about when you run your hands through your partner’s hair. Even kissing isn’t harmful to be done in front of children, unless you get into overly sexual motions and groping. You can maintain the dynamic and romance in front of children, and they’ll think everything is fine. And they’ll grow up to be just fine. Hell, they may even learn to be more comfortable sharing and expressing emotion than their peers, because it’s something they’ve watched their parents do their whole life. I wouldn’t throw a kinky party in front of my kids, but I don’t think it’s absolutely wrong to express any kink or affection in front of them either.

Your kids are going to realize, at some point, they’re growing up with parents that are different then their friend’s parents. But different doesn’t mean wrong. There’s no reason you need to conform to be like every other parent out there; you’re not ever other parent out there. You’re unique, and come from a unique place where you can teach your child acceptance and open-mindedness. You can use the embarrassing moments when your child stumbles into your toy bag to teach them issues of ethics and consent. “That’s something I use to hit your mom, BUT we’ve talked about it a lot and she’s told me it’s something she WANTS me to do to her. It wouldn’t be right just to hit anyone, now would it?” You can teach them that people are different, but that’s okay. You can teach them to love and accept others in their life. All by living your Lifestyle openly and not being too embarrassed to use the moments they provide you to teach them important ethics and philosophies you think are important to being a good human being. And they’ll grow up to be fine, outstanding human beings…at least if you have any say in the matter.